Drowning

I'm feeling like a failure (again) today. How do you have more patience with your kids.... just being kids? Maybe my expectations are too high? How do you teach children to be obedient (like the FIRST time, not the 20th)? What are relevant consequences for being disobedient? How do you discipline without raising your voice? (Especially when they are so much louder than you and don't hear you, or do hear you and ignore you.) 
I need things that have worked, not just good ideas. HELP!!!
I'm in over my head and I feel like I'm ruining their childhood.

Stories

My musings of a situation with Isis (after discovering quite the mess):
Isis' goal: I want a pirate telescope.
Isis' process: Hmm... no available cardboard rolls? No problem... I'll just choose one of these new toilet paper rolls out of the package.... too plush for a telescope... that's easily fixed.... now what to do with all this toilet paper?... ah, yes, the bathroom garbage can... hmm, that's full and I still have more paper.... well, it is TOILET paper.... oh... that's getting to full too... umm... yes, a plunger, that's what I need... wait.... why isn't this going down? why am I standing in a wading pool?........ MAMA!!!!!!! 

I guess I should be proud of her attempts at being resourceful. :)


Recent Elise event:
(As a preface, "stupid" is a bad word at our house.)
So we watched Charlie Brown Christmas the other night and the following conversation took place at dinner:
Elise: "That girl say stupid!"
Me: "Lucy said 'stupid'?"
Elise: "Yeah. She say 'You stupid Charlie Brown!'"
Me: "Was that a nice thing to say? Do you think it hurt Charlie Brown's feelings?"
Elise: "Yep. Me punch that girl in the face."

What the? ...Not quite the direction I was going for a lesson on compassion...
(Still... Jeremy and I had a hard time suppressing our laughter.)